Sports, Booze, and Law

Top 10 Reasons to Fire Wade Phillips

2008-10-21T17:48:00.002-05:00

10. He'd like to go on Dancing with the Stars.
9. He'd like to spend more time in the hot tub.
8. He secretly asked Jessica Simpson to come to all of the Cowboy's games this season.
7. He needs to work on his fist pump form.
6. He needs the time to search for last year's Dallas Cowboys.
5. The games are getting in the way of nap time.
4. He heard there was an opening as Pacman's body guard.
3. Jason Garrett has been beating him up and stealing his lunch money behind the clubhouse.
2. There is no room for a jerry jones AND a head coach in the Cowboy's locker room.
1. Wade is running out of button down Hawaiian shirts to wear at Cowboys press conferences.

In case you missed it

2008-10-03T19:55:00.001-05:00

http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2008/sep/29/upset-fantasy-football-player-arrested-allegedly-t/

Check out this link...hilarious.

NFL Pick 'em...

2008-09-18T21:33:00.001-05:00

1. FALCONS (-3.5) over Chiefs- Matty Heisman baby..all the way to State!
2. BUFFALO (-7) over Raiders- The real line should be whether or not Lane Kiffen loses his job after this game or not.
3. Tamba Bay (+3.5) over BEARS- Nothing much to say about this one. Devin Hester is hurt, What are the Bears going to do without their token kickoff return TD?
4. VIKINGS (Even) over Carolina- I hope not many fans bought Tavaris Jackson jerseys…And I hope not many buy Gus Frerotte jerseys.
5. NEW ENGLAND (-10.5) over Miami- I think the under/over for Chad Henne taking over this Miami team is about 3 quarters. I think the under/over for Ricky Williams getting high is about 3 minutes.
6. GIANTS (-10.5) over Bengals- Dos Ocho to Uno Quatro
7. Houston (+3.5) over OILE…I mean TITANS- A crazy Vince Young or a barely moving Kerry Collins…this is tough.
8. Arizona (+1) over REDSKINS-God I hate the Redskins
9. Detroit (+3) over SAN FRANSISCO -In the “Will Anyone Watch this Game Bowl”
10. SEATTLE (-6.5) over St. Louis- Nothings worse on TV than a Rams game. I’d rather watch General Hospital with my wife…okay, maybe not really.
11. DENVER (-6) over New Orleans- This will be a shootout.
12. PHILADELPHIA (even) over Pittsburgh- This will be a good game.
13. COLTS (-4) over Jacksonville- Peyton to Reggie…TOUCHDOWN!!!
14. RAVENS (+1) over Cleveland- Cleveland is almost to Bengal territory…not quite, but almost.
15. COWBOYS (-1.5) over Green Bay- Game of the year…for the second week in a row.
16. Jets (+6) over CHARGERS- This is my upset pick of the week. Lock it down!

From the Washington Post

2008-09-11T19:02:00.003-05:00

Great, now we are definitely doomed this weekend...

This important debate seems to have been inspired by Jessica Simpson's assertion last week on "Good Morning America" that the Cowboys (she's dating Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo) will kick the Eagles' butts. Simpson was largely blamed for Romo's lackluster performance toward the end of last year's season.

And while Jess herself says any talk of her jinxing Romo is "ridiculous," apparently her potent effect on the national sports landscape constitutes enough of a threat to get three seemingly intelligent men to take time out from talking plays, injuries and game strategy to consider the mounting starlet threat.

NFL Season Prediction

2008-09-06T21:04:00.002-05:00

DIVISION WINNERS
NFC North - Vikings
NFC South - Saints
NFC East - Cowboys
NFC West - Seahawks
Wildcards - Eagles and Packers

AFC North - Steelers
AFC South - Colts
AFC East - Patriots
AFC West - Chargers
Wildcards - Broncos and Jaguars

NFC CHAMPION - Cowboys
AFC CHAMPION - Chargers

SUPERBOWL CHAMP - COWBOYS!!!

2008-09-06T20:51:00.002-05:00

Week 1 NFL PICKS

My Picks are in Caps.

Bengals at RAVENS
JETS at Dolphins
Chiefs at PATRIOTS
Texans at STEELERS
JAGUARS at Titans
LIONS at Falcons
SEAHAWKS at Bills
Buccaneers at SAINTS
Rams at EAGLES
COWBOYS at Browns
Panthers at CHARGERS
CARDINALS at 49ers
Bears at COLTS
VIKINGS at Packers
BRONCOS at Raiders

Get your picks in now. The winner gets to puke in Storm Cloud's closet.

God Bless America

2008-09-04T09:56:00.002-05:00

Anyone who doesn't vote for this woman is a damned fool.

T-shirt reads: "I May Be Broke, But I'm Not Flat Busted."

Baylor...hahahahaha...haha...ha

2008-09-03T17:39:00.003-05:00

Here is storm cloud getting painted up by a typical baylor girl before the beat down Baylor was to recieve 73 to 10 in 2003. Lets just say A&M covered the spread.

I'm back, bitches

2008-09-02T17:41:00.006-05:00

First off, I reset that tricky password thing and got my access to the blog back. So I will try to do some updating to the sidebars and such before the season starts. Be nice to me, I don't like doing this crap, especially now when I'm not bored sitting in class.

Second, I wanted to emphasize how much I hate you all. Whenever I'm around certain people in this group, I just want to hurt them. They are stupid, irritating, and foul-smelling. They are not cool, fun to be around people - like O.J. Simpson seems to be.

Third, I sign off with a couple pictures from a random college football game, completely picked at random, and certainly not to piss off certain individuals:

2008-08-25T21:28:00.001-05:00

I never thought I would see the day J-nice met ran into someone with more desire. I guess that day has finally come. "Victory truly does go to the man who's desire is strongest".

J-Nice Will be saying this a lot this year

2008-08-15T23:15:00.001-05:00

Comissioner Storm Cloud?

2008-08-15T13:01:00.004-05:00

The highly anticipated upcoming season of dynasty fantasy football has had its share of drama including the corrupt, draft-fixing Comish resigning, then un-resigning, then handing over draft responsibilities to Storm Cloud. Below are some unedited comments that were exchanged during the Comish's latest scandal surrounding his resignation:

"Next time I’m on the phone with any of you, keep the fact that I hate you and I am wishing bad things to happen to you in the back of your mind."

"I don’t know you, but I’m going to stick a m80 up your nether regions and let it clean you out."

"Stab yourself in the eyeball till it pops."

"I told you. He pissed me off and is now my bitch. If you want to borrow him for a day or two that’s fine. He does take dictation really well."

"Learn your place [non-Fantasy player] or I will hurricane your ass like I did your little lady’s. She insulted me one time, so I retaliated. I can easily put a tornado up your ass with the snap of my fingers."

"No bite? Piss me off and I’ll make you my secretary. [The Comish] irritated me, so now he is officially my secretary. As I type, he is outside my office sitting in a little half cubicle, taking Dick..tation. "

"Technically he didn’t fuck start my face, just threatened to do so."

"[The Comish] is still the commish. I will still be the puppetmaster."

"The draft will be on a date when I tell everyone. Or I have [The Comish] tell everyone.
On a side note – the season only league for cash will have a draft sometime too. I welcome suggestions for that, although I promise I will not isten to any of them. Also – I am pretty sure I’m buying the NFL direct tv package for my monstrous tv. You are welcome to come watch, drink, and drool sometime. Lastly – light a Molotov cocktail and throw it off a wall and set yourselves on fire."

Storm Cloud's Foe

2008-05-25T10:19:00.001-05:00

My Mind is About to Explode

2008-01-29T17:44:00.000-06:00

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid1395583455

Sickest Dunk Ever!!!!

2008-01-25T13:44:00.001-06:00

20 years ago today

2008-01-17T22:21:00.000-06:00

CHAMPIONSHIP BABY!!!!

2007-12-25T09:21:00.000-06:00

Well...this just confirms what we have always known. I am just a better man than all of you. Sulk for the next few months but get ready...I will adamently defend my title which may in the future need to be renamed the America's Team Cup!!!!

Randy Culpepper's Sick Dunk

2007-12-25T00:52:00.001-06:00

UTEP's 5'11 Freshman

Quarterback Statistics

2007-11-19T22:28:00.000-06:00

Here are the current passing stats. I could not find the stats from before Sundays games. Even after Big Ben's worst game of the year and one of Romo's best, Ben still has a better TD-Int ratio and a better passer rating. I guess it depends what you value in a quarterback: yardage or efficiency. I guess the offensive schemes should also be considered. Cowboys throw first and Steelers run first. I'd be glad to have either Qb'ing my team.

Passing Leaders
NAME COM ATT PCT YDS YPA LNG TD TD% INT INT% SK SYD RAT
1 Tom Brady QB, NWE 250 338 74.0 3059 9.05 69 38 11.2 4 1.2 10.0 62 134.0
2 B. Roethlisberger QB, PIT 175 267 65.5 2215 8.30 45 23 8.6 8 3.0 30.0 221 107.5
3 Tony Romo QB, DAL 212 324 65.4 2848 8.79 59 27 8.3 12 3.7 13.0 93 105.6

Week 10 Awards

2007-11-13T13:59:00.000-06:00

Robe and Wizard Hat - America's Team
Horse's Ass - Houston Luv Ya Blue

Terry Tate Office Linebacker History

2007-11-13T10:30:00.001-06:00

Sports Illustrated Fan Value Ratings

2007-11-07T19:27:00.000-06:00

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/football/nfl/11/01/fvi.intro/index.html

1. Packers - Lambeau Field
2. Steelers - Heinz Field
3. Browns - Cleveland Browns Stadium
4. Lions - Ford Field
5. Ravens - M&T Bank Stadium
6. Eagles - Lincoln Financial Field
7. Seahawks - QWEST Field
8. Colts - RCA Dome
9. Titans - LP Field
10. Panthers - Bank of Amer. Stadium
11. Patriots - Gillette Stadium
12. Jaguars - Municipal Stadium
13. Broncos - INVESCO Field at Mile High
14. Texans - Reliant Stadium
15. Bills - Ralph Wilson Stadium
16. Chiefs - Arrowhead Stadium
17. Buccaneers - Raymond James Stadium
18. Saints - Louisiana Superdome
19. Bengals - Paul Brown Stadium
20. Bears - Soldier Field
21. Raiders - McAfee Stadium
22. Chargers - Qualcomm Stadium
23. Dolphins - Dolphin Stadium
24. Cardinals - Univ. of Phoenix Stadium
25. Giants - Giants Stadium
26. Cowboys - Texas Stadium
27. Rams - Edward Jones Dome
28. Redskins - FedEx Field
29. Falcons - Georgia Dome
30. 49ers - Monster Park
31. Vikings - HHH Metrodome
32. Jets - Giants Stadium

According to SI the Cowboys have sold out every home game since 1991 and the Stillers have sold out every home game since 1972. That is crazy on both accounts.

Stillers Have Top Brand in Sports

2007-11-07T15:28:00.000-06:00

Cowboys come in at 28, right behind the Eagles.

This was a study comparing loyalty of fans and brand knowledge within teams respecitve markets, using the city and immediate surrounding area as a teams market.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are the No. 1-ranked brand in sports because they dominate their market as no other team does, not because they dominate the national landscape, the way the Dallas Cowboys or New York Yankees do.

http://www.sportsbusinessjournal.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=article.main&articleId=56964

Cleveland Fan Gets Beasted.

2007-11-06T22:05:00.000-06:00

Award History

2007-11-06T15:52:00.000-06:00

Teams that are good.

Robe and Wizard Hat Trophy History:

Capital Punishment 3 times
Gut Paks 2 times
I Draft Dead People 1 time
Houston Luv Ya Blue 1 time
Dallas Dominance 1 time
America's Team 1 time

Teams that are not good.

Horse's Ass Trophy history:

Vick+Dog = Incarceration 3 times
Houston Luv Ya Blue 2 times
Dallas Dominance 2 times
Capital Punishment 1 time
Steely McBeam 1 time

Pictures that are nice:

Somebody's Team is Getting Healthy!

2007-11-06T11:17:00.001-06:00

As I predicted, when my team gets healthy I will be dangerous. Some may have been disappointed with a 3-3 start. But looking at my roster and knowing that eventually some of the key players I lost to injuries would come back, I knew I would once again be a force to be reckoned with. With Steven Jackson returning (hopefully for a full game this week), Andre Johnson set to return after the bye week, and D.J. Hackett back and already scoring touchdowns, I have some advice for the rest of the league. Run and Hide...Run and Hide!

Week 9 Awards

2007-11-06T11:08:00.001-06:00

Robe and Wizard Hat - Gut Paks
Horse's Ass - Vick+Dogs=Incarceration

Must See TV!! Witten is the Man!

2007-11-05T10:14:00.000-06:00

In case you missed it last night, I think Witten might have just earned his way into the Ring of Honor. Follow the link here.

Week 9 Picks

2007-11-04T11:49:00.000-06:00

1.) Skins -3.5 @ Jets
2.) Chiefs -2.5 vs. Packers
3.) Cards +3.5 @ Bucs
4.) Panthers +5.5 @ Titans
5.) Falcons -3.5 vs. 49ers
6.) Saints -3 vs. Jags
7.) Lions -3 vs Broncos
8.) Bengals -1 @ Bills
9.) Chargers -7 @ Vikings
10.) Seahawks +1 @ Browns
11.) Patriots -5.5 @ Colts
12.) Raiders -3 vs. Texans
13.) Cowboys -3 @ Eagles
14.) Steelers -9 vs. Ravens

Season - 58-50-7

Finals study(or not studying) break

2007-11-01T20:48:00.000-05:00

So...start with the first video I posted, like 4 below. It actually has to do with Law. The rest of these I just thought were funny.

2007-11-01T20:42:00.001-05:00

2007-11-01T20:40:00.000-05:00

2007-11-01T20:06:00.001-05:00

Week 8 Results

2007-10-30T11:03:00.000-05:00

This Week - 5-8
Season - 58-50-7

Week 8 Awards

2007-10-30T11:02:00.001-05:00

Robe and Wizard Hat - Gut Paks
Horse's Ass - Houston Luv Ya Blue (actually, the entire city of Houston)

The Playmaker would never hit that

2007-10-30T08:12:00.000-05:00

After a long court hearing for her custody battle on Friday, Britney Spears hit the town with her longtime friend Alli Sims – and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo.

The pop star, dressed in a masquerade ball mask, and Sims, first made a quick stop at the L.A. restaurant Ketchup where Romo was having dinner.

"[Spears] walked around the restaurant into the lounge where she met up with some people," an observer tells PEOPLE. "She didn't eat or drink ...[It] seemed like she was rounding up people to go [out]. She was very friendly and smiley, in and out."

Another source says, "Alli was meeting up with Tony and his friends at Ketchup and Britney wanted to come along. Tony and Alli have been good friends. They've known each other for a little over a year. "

Later, Romo met up with Sims, Spears and other pals at the Hollywood hotspot Les Deux where they hung out for a friendly low-key night upstairs.

Spears was "sitting with her friends and Tony. Everyone was just hanging out. Brit was upbeat, really seemed fine."

The following night, perhaps in a nod to her friend Romo, a source says "Sims even playfully dressed as a quarterback for Ryan Cabrera's costume party on Saturday night."

The Commish Called It - Bye Week Deal

2007-10-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

The Cowboys and their quarterback have reached an agreement on a six-year, $67.5 million contract extension, $30 million of which is guaranteed, sources told ESPN's Ed Werder and ESPN.com's Matt Mosley on Monday.

What's that Cleveland?

2007-10-29T17:07:00.000-05:00

Week 8 Picks

2007-10-27T21:05:00.000-05:00

1.) Rams +3 vs. Browns
2.) Bears +5 vs. Lions
3.) Colts -7 @ Panthers
4.) Dolphins +9.5 VS. Giants
5.) Titans -7.5 vs. Raiders
6.) Eagles -1 @ Minnesota
7.) Steelers -3.5 @ Bengals
8.) Jets -3 vs. Bills
9.) Texans +9 @ Chargers
10.) Bucs -3.5 vs. Jags
11.) Saints -2.5 @ 49ers
12.) Redskins +16.5 @ Pats
13.) Broncos -3 vs. Packers

Season Record 53-42-7

Baby Moma Drama

2007-10-27T16:33:00.001-05:00

My first thought when I read this was: I bet this distracts Fitz and Boldin gets more looks. Probably not normal.

If you make fun of Bush then the terrorists have already won.

2007-10-26T00:15:00.001-05:00

This video is such trash, I just can't believe Al Qaeda has infilrated youtube with their propaganda.

Week 7 picks

2007-10-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

This week - 9-5
Season - 53-42-7

Week 7 Awards

2007-10-22T22:50:00.001-05:00

Robe and Wizard Hat - America's Team
Horse's Ass - Dallas Dominance

It gives me great pleasure to award this week's Robe and Wizard hat to myself!

Week 7 Game Lines

2007-10-19T08:33:00.000-05:00

1.) Houston Luv Ya Blue 119.5 +25 @ America's Team 144.5 -25
2.) Thurman's Thieves 118 -10.6 @ Gut Paks 107.4 +10.6
3.) Slutty Merkins 120.6 +15.7 @ Birmingham Bangers 136.4 -15.7
4.) Fist Pumpers 105.7 -7.2 @ Team Chump 98.5 +7.2
5.) Dallas Dominance 122.8 +2.3 @ Vick+Dogs= Incarceration 125.1 -2.3
6.) Dictator Thorne 129.3 -10.1 @ Steely McBeam 119.1 +10.1
7.) i draft dead people 121.2 +19.3 @ Capitol Punishment 140.5 -19.3

Week 7 Picks

2007-10-19T08:25:00.000-05:00

1.) Cardinals +9 @ Washington
2.) Saints -7.5 vs. Falcons
3.) Ravens -3 @ Bills
4.) Cowboys -9.5 vs. Vikings
5.) Patriots -16.5 @ Miami
6.) Giants -9 vs. 49ers
7.) Bucs +2 @ Detroit
8.) Titans -1 @ Texans
9.) Chiefs +3 @ Raiders
10.) Bengals -6 vs. Jets
11.) Eagles -5 vs. Bears
12.) Seahawks -8 vs. Rams
13.) Steelers -3.5 @ Broncos
14.) Colts -3 @ Jags

Last Week - 5-6-2
Season - 44-37-7

America's Team

2007-10-18T10:46:00.000-05:00

As if you needed further proof that the Cowboys are America's Team, here is some interesting news...The Cowboys game on Sunday drew 29.1 million viewers and became the most watched NFL Sunday Game in 11 Years. Oddly enough the game 11 years ago that drew more viewers was the November 10, 1996 showdown between the Cowboys and the 49ers that drew 29.7 million viewers. The Cowboys/Pats game is the highest rated television program of the season so far. The Cowboys also hold the season ratings records for each network this season except Fox.

Two Questions

2007-10-18T10:37:00.001-05:00

1. What is the connection between Adrian Peterson and Nate Newton?

2. What is a vicarious snow-ball?

Peeing in inappropriate places

2007-10-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

First off - anyone who has been in Scruff's likely would question whether that was urine or just the general ooze that seeps out of that places' pores. If they don't have video of him peeing I'm not going to believe it.
ooze = pee.

Second, while our football team is a mess, Baylor's athletic department is in fine shape. We are good at equestrian events, women's rugby, bulimia, and wearing nice clothes on Sunday to pretend we went to church. The last two in that list are more sports than the xgame crap I read about in the propaganda/advertising catalog rag EesPen Magazine.

As you can see, I used photographic evidence to prove all of my points. Baylor Law was definitely not a waste of money.

What's Everyone Looking At: It's Christian to Piss on a Bar

2007-10-16T19:04:00.000-05:00

This little gem after Storm Cloud told me the Athletic Dept. is in great shape last night. Yeah right. Try and tell me I couldn’t run a better athletic department than that Canuck. Baylor's Athletic department is a tragedy.

I love that an interview with a Scruffy's employee makes national news. Also, I'm not surprised that this coach went to college at the U. They sure do know how to party in Miami.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3065938

Score A Homerun Finds Lepprechan

2007-10-16T09:13:00.000-05:00

"I want the Gold! Where is the GOLD?" That was Incarceration's rally cry as he jumped on the Wes Welker bandwagon and rode it to victory this week. The curse of the J-Nice 4 Star Lock continues...Its almost like being a sports team from Houston or Philadelphia.

Week 6 Awards

2007-10-16T09:12:00.001-05:00

Horse's Ass - Houston Luv Ya Blue
Robe and Wizard Hat - Capitol Punishment

How do you prepare for an interview with a prestigious law firm?

2007-10-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

Since the name of our league is sports, booze, and law I thought I would comment on our commish addressing the cross-roads of our namesake. Some people prepare for an interview by looking up partner profiles on-line and going to sleep early to appear well-rested for the interview next day. But what do you do when your team is playing in the biggest game of the year (Superbowl 41.5) the day before an interview. Well fortunately we have an answer to that question. The answer is this: buy tickets to the game, tailgate all day, booze before, during, and after the game, then handle that pesky interview the next day. I respect the dedication.

Some Needed Encouragement

2007-10-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

With every "expert" not giving the Cowboys a chance this week against the mighty Patriots I thought I would try and see if I could find something that might encourage us all. Here are some recent trends and stats dating back to the 2005 season.

1.) Cowboys are 7-3 against the AFC.
2.) This season the Cowboys are 2-0 against the AFC East.
3.) The Cowboys are 11-7 following a road game.
4.) The Cowboys are 18-11 vs. teams with .500+ record in previous 6 games.
5.) After failing to cover the spread the previous week, the Cowboys are 22-13.
6.) Cowboys are 2-1 as a home underdog.

I feel like this game is going to be closer than a lot of people are predicting. I agree that you have to give the Patriots the edge in this matchup but if you have been listening to the "Experts" over the past week then you might think the Cowboys are 0-5 this season. In the end this game really does not mean anything as far as NFC tiebreakers is concerned. Some say it is a preview of the Superbowl but hell, both teams have yet to get to the Superbowl. The Cowboys still have a tough NFC East schedule to work through (much more difficult than the Pats AFC East schedule). Those are the games I am more concerned about. What do you guys think? Predictions? Setting all bias aside...my prediction is Cowboys 82 - Pats 0.

Week 6 Picks

2007-10-11T19:09:00.000-05:00

1.) Bengals -3 @ Chiefs
2.) Jags -6.5 vs. Texans
3.) Browns -4.5 vs. Dolphins
4.) Bears -5.5 vs. Vikings
5.) Eagles -3.5 @ Jets
6.) Ravens -9.5 vs. Rams
7.) Titans +3 @ Bucs
8.) Redskins +3 @ Packers
9.) Cardinals -4.5 vs. Panthers
10.) Cowboys +5.5 vs. Patriots
11.) Raiders +9.5 @ Chargers
12.) Seahawks -6.5 vs. Saints
13.) Giants -3.5 @ Falcons

Last week = 5-9 (got hit by the spread, missing a couple of picks by a point or so)
Season = 39-31-5

Week 6 Game Lines

2007-10-11T19:08:00.000-05:00

America's Team 133.8 -17.8 @ Vick+Dogs=Incarceration 116 +17.8
Dallas Dominance 106.6 +11.8 @ Thurman's Thieves 118.4 -11.8
Fist Pumpers 73.1 +44.9 @ Slutty Merkins 118 -44.9
Dictator Thorne 121 -21.2 @ Team Chump 99.9 +21.2
Steely McBeam 102.5 +2.1 @ Houston Luv Ya Blue 104.6 -2.1
Birmingham Bangers 139.8 -42.5 @ i draft dead people 97.2 +42.5
Capitol Punishment 126.3 -4.3 @ Gut Paks 122 +4.3

It Will Take Luck

2007-10-10T19:23:00.001-05:00

We all know that the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks is the same of Unicorns to Leprechauns. What does that have to do with fantasy this week? Nothing really, except that when looking at this week's matchup against the Comish I realized that I will need some luck to beat the Comish. But luck just might be on my side, for example last week's victory over J-Nice would seem uneventful since I beat a team with a worse record than Norte Dame, but without a few 10+ defensive performances I would have been toast.

And just to gain a little extra luck I am going to make a quick trip to Mobile Alabama. (see video).

J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the Week

2007-10-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

Because of the failures of the past few weeks some lesser men might shy away from making a J-Nice 4 Star lock. I am not such a man. This week I am going to make the J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the week what it was always meant to be...a beacon of certainty in an uncertain world. So without further ado...this week's J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the week is America's Team over Incarceration. Lock it down. I am guaranteeing victory. I can assure all the fans of America's Team out there that my players are not overlooking this important matchup this week. My players will be well prepared and focused. Prediction America's Team 140.3 - Incarceration 82.1.

Storm Cloud not the Only One to Walk Out on his Team

2007-10-10T08:56:00.000-05:00

SC was not the only one to walk out on his team Monday night. He was just the most pre-mature(3rd quarter).

As Gene Wojciechowski of ESPN notes:

"Cowboys fans poured out of the stadium in the waning minutes (I saw them... it was embarrassing)"

Irvin Loses It

2007-10-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Still looking for a good clip of the Wade Phillips fist pump. Thought this would tide you all over until I found it.

Larry Fitzgerald a Cowboy in 2008?

2007-10-09T13:18:00.001-05:00

There are whispers in blogosphere about Larry Fitzgerald's unhappiness in Arizona and about the Cowboys interest in bringing him to the BIG D, potentially giving Arizona a first day draft pick. That would be an interesting move. Imagine a roster of T.O., Fitzgerald, Witten, and Barber!

Week 5 Awards!

2007-10-09T00:49:00.000-05:00

Robe and Wizard Hat - Houston Luv Ya Blue
Horse's Ass - Dallas Dominance

Unbelievable!!!!!

2007-10-09T00:43:00.000-05:00

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Thanks to Kickholder for an inspirational video...where do the BOYS go from here?

Monday Night Football - EA Simulation

2007-10-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

Taking the lead from espn.com, I decided to run a simulation of tonight's monday night matchup between Dallas and Buffalo. I set the gametime to 15:00 quarters and the conditions to what it looks like they are going to be tonight. Final Score...Dallas 88, Buffalo 54. Here are the stats:

DALLAS
Score - 88
Total Offense - 1145
Rushing Yards - 425
Passing Yards - 720
First Downs - 51
PR Yards - 52
KR Yards 128
Total Yards - 1325
Turnovers 1(+3)
3rd Down Conv. - 21-60(35%)
4th Down Conv. - 0-1(0%)
2-Point Conv. - 0-0(0%)
Red Zone % - 8-28(28%)
Red Zone TD - 6
Red Zone FG - 2
Penalties 10-80
Time of Possession - 30:11

ROMO - 52-83 (62%), 720 Yards, 7 TD, 1 INT, 8.6 YPA, Long 62, Rating 113.5
JONES - 57 Att., 179 Yards, 3.1 YPC, 2 TD
BARBER - 30 Att., 98 Yards, 3.2 YPC, 0 TD
GLENN (guess I should have taken him out of the roster)- 14 Rec., 259 Yards, 3 TD
OWENS - 12 Rec., 168 Yards, 1 TD
WITTEN - 9 Rec., 117 Yards, 2 TD
CRAYTON - 5 Rec., 68 Yards, 0 TD
SPEARS - 18 Tackles, 7 TFL, 1 FF, 1 FR, 2 Sacks, 1 Safety
WARE - 13 Tackles, 1 FF, 0 Sacks
HAMLIN - 12 Tackles, 1 INT, 1 TD
ELLIS - 11 Tackles, 1 TFL, 1 Sack, 1 FF, 1 FR, 1 Int.

J-Nice's Guarantee.

2007-10-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

So...what happened?

You know what pumps me up? MAGIC!!!!

2007-10-06T21:19:00.000-05:00

I'm in love

2007-10-06T01:03:00.001-05:00

Here's some good advice. Or at least a good _____.....

http://www.fantasysportsgirl.net/fantasygirl/index.html

Make Room for LeBron on the Bandwagon

2007-10-05T15:11:00.000-05:00

Just heard that LeBron's favorite sports teams are:

1.) Cowboys
2.) Yankees
3.) Bulls

How much like the afghani's boyfried does this sound? Just throw the Spurs in there and you just about have the bandwagon covered.

Week 5 Picks

2007-10-04T19:52:00.000-05:00

1.) Chiefs +2 vs. Jags
2.) Saints -3 vs. Panthers
3.) Skins -3.5 vs. Lions
4.) Titans -8 vs. Falcons
5.) Texans -5 vs. Dolphins
6.) Steelers -6 vs. Seahawks
7.) Patriots -16.5 vs. Browns
8.) Cardinals -3.5 @ Rams
9.) Giants -3.5 vs. Jets
10.) Colts -10 vs. Bucs
11.) Broncos -1 vs. Chargers
12.) Ravens -3 @ 49ers
13.) Packers -3 vs. Bears
14.) Cowboys -10 @ Bills

Last week 11-3-0
Season 34-22-5

Week 5 Lines

2007-10-04T19:45:00.001-05:00

Dictator Thorne 144.7 -23.1 @ America's Team 121.6 +23.1
Dallas Dominance 96.8 +37.3 @ Houston Luv Ya Blue 134.1 -37.3
Slutty Merkins 128.9 -11.7 @ i draft dead people 117.2 +11.7
Vick+Dogs= Incarceration 136.5 -5.7 @ Steely McBeam 130.8 +5.7
Team Chump 91.3 +10.8 @ Birmingham Bangers 102.1 -10.8
Fist Pumpers 99.7 +48.5 @ Gut Paks 148.2 -48.5
Thurman's Thieves 88.8 +67 @ Capitol Punishment 155.8 -67

For your viewing pleasure...

2007-10-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

Schrute Bucks vs. Stanley Nickels

2007-10-04T13:32:00.001-05:00

Man, Soccer is really tough

2007-10-04T13:31:00.001-05:00

Watch the hit that a fan puts on AC Milan's goalie. Maybe we should switch to fantasy soccer because those guys are really tough.

GUARANTEED

2007-10-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

I guarantee an ass-beating of Vick’s puppies. I will punish him. Vick will lose. I will win. Unlike the recent guarantee of Joey Porter and Isaac Bruce, this is not an empty guarantee. Instead, this guarantee has force. This guarantee is backed by the power and muscle of Steely McBeam. That is the kind of guarantee that comes through. So I suggest this to prevent Vick any embarrassment: run away. Far away. Go cry to your mother and tell her you were beaten up by a big scary bully. And when you’re crying think of the pain and shame that you have forgone and maybe that will bring you some happiness, because other than that you will have no pleasure this weekend.

Week 4 Wrapup

2007-10-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

Week 4 is behind us and here is where things stand:

1.) Cowboys are 4-0 for the first time since 1995 (SB XXX Win over Steelers)
2.) I picked 11-3 against the spread this week after Cap. Punishment questioned some of my picks.
3.) I have tickets to the Cowboys vs. Patriots game in two weeks!!!

J-Nice 4 Star Curse of the Week

2007-10-01T15:15:00.000-05:00

10-3 on my picks for Sunday. The curse of the J-Nice Four Star Lock of the Week continues. In other news...Romo is damn good.

Won't Break 50

2007-09-30T18:00:00.000-05:00

Oh, how the mediocare have fallen.

After a strong first two weeks yours truly looks to be a repeat winner of the Horse's Ass, as of now I am relying on the Monday night performance of Eli and a kicker to help me break 50 points for the week.

In week 4 Score A Homerun had:
2 of the top 5 tacklers - Barret Rudd and Donte Whitner
#2 guy for interceptions- Kirk Morrison
Reigning Defensive Player of the Year- Jason Taylor
#1 RB in rushing yards- Willie Parker
Overall badass when he has the ball- Steve Smith

This week they totalled: 28.3 points*

I can't blame it on the fact that Hines Ward and Brandon Jacobs are out of the lineup- my fans just won't accept that. No, I must, as the coach take full responsibility, and I must, as GM and owner, fire myself as coach, and hold a fire sell of all my talent. That's right, no one is exempt from getting traded.

*Pending final league calculations.

Week 4 NFL Picks!

2007-09-28T15:36:00.000-05:00

1.) Raiders +4 @ Dolphins
2.) Texans -2.5 @ Falcons
3.) Browns + 4.5 vs Ravens
4.) Lions + 3 vs Bears
5.) Packers -2 @ Vikings
6.) Cowboys -13 vs Rams
7.) Jets -3.5 @ Buffalo
8.) Bucs +3 @ Panthers
9.) Seahawks -2 @ 49ers
10.) Steelers -6 @ Cardinals ****J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the Week****
11.) Chiefs +12 @ San Diego
12.) Colts -9.5 vs. Broncos - I love the over in this game at 46.
13.) Patriots -7.5 @ Bengals
14.) Giants +3 vs. Eagles

Week 4 Game Lines!

2007-09-26T19:20:00.000-05:00

GAME LINES

America's Team 113.4 +12 @ Birmingham Bangers 125.4 -12
Dallas Dominance 158.5 -30.3 @ Slutty Merkins 128.2 +30.3
Gut Paks 136.8 -8.6 @ Vick+Dogs= Incarceration 128.2 +8.6
Team Chump 115 +16.5 @ i draft dead people 131.5 -16.5
Houston Luv Ya Blue 120.7 +22.4 @ Fist Pumpers 143.1 -22.4
Capitol Punishment 165 -38.5 @ Steely McBeam 126.4 +38.5
Dictator Thorne 159.6 -50.5 @ Thurman's Thieves 109.1 +50.5

The OJ Confession!!

2007-09-25T18:03:00.001-05:00

Forecast - Cloudy with a 100% Chance of T-Storms

2007-09-25T13:24:00.000-05:00

Following my dismantling of Storm Cloud 124.4 to 116.7 this week's forecast has changed to Cloudy With 100% chance of thunderstorms. In other news J-Nice is fucking crazy!

WEEK 3 NFL PICKS

2007-09-21T17:18:00.000-05:00

1.) Panthers -4 @ Falcons
2.) Cardinals +7.5 @ Ravens
3.) Chargers -5.5 @ Packers
4.) Colts -6 @ Texans ****J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the Week****
5.) Chiefs -2.5 vs. Vikings
6.) Patriots -16.5 vs. Bills
7.) Jets -3 vs. Dolphins
8.) Lions +6 @ Eagles
9.) Steelers -9 vs. 49ers
10.) Rams +3.5 @ Bucs
11.) Broncos -3 vs. Jags
12.) Raiders -3 vs. Browns
13.) Bengals +3.5 @ Seahawks
14.) Redskins -3.5 vs. Giants
15.) Cowboys +3 @ Bears
16.) Saints -4 vs. Titans

Last week - 8-7-1
Season - 15-13-3

Fire Fran? No way.

2007-09-21T10:16:00.000-05:00

I have been disturbed lately by numerous websites advocating for the firing of Fran. See www.frandunderfire.com and www.firefranpetition.com. Firing Fran would be a grave mistake, consider this:

1.) It is not in the best interest of those kids- they have been through a lot and firing Fran would bring instability into the relationship.

2.) America would be deprived of an excellent role model.

3.) The fans- the fans love Fran, everyone wishes they could live in Fran's house.

4.) We would be setting the bar for Fran's replacement unrealistically high- if we fire someone as good at their job as Fran, there is no way a replacement will ever meet and then exceed our expectations.

Please feel free to add your own reasons for keeping Fran. Once we get like 7 reasons we will email them to the fire fran websites so they can take their sites down.

Now this is how you celebrate a win!!!

2007-09-19T22:14:00.000-05:00

Absolutely hilarious...check this article out!!!

Power Rankings

2007-09-19T18:31:00.000-05:00

Patriots: Fuck this kills me.
Colts: See above
Chargers I don’t care that they lost last week. If Felipe Rivers can pull his shit together teams won’t be able to key off on LT.
Cowboys: Dear Cowboys fans. Your secondary is trash and you know it. Roy Williams couldn’t cover a nude whore in church. That said, I don’t ever want to mess with Senor Romo and Co.
Ravens: Okay, this team was 14-2 last year. Noone wants to touch Rayray down the heart of that D. Improved running game. Money tight-end. QB and a wack job of a coach are the problems here.
Stillers: Sleeper of the year. Seriously, what have they lost since their superbowl winning team? Answer: Old Jerome Bettis, Overrated Joey Porter. By the way being a “vocal leader” is the most overrated quality in the history of team sports.
Texans: Solid QB. Andre Johnson is dynamite. That D is young and getting better. It seems like they are building a team the right way.
Lions: Jon “pro bowl bound” Kitna. Enough said.
Niners: Young group of stud position players playing in a weak division.
Broncos: I dunno Cutler isn’t too special yet. Still not sold on Travis Henry. Coach Shanahan is a freakin wack job. Whatever, their undefeated.
Packers: Despite any rational thought, Favre is still good. Not only that but this team is surprisingly young. They are, however, lacking in talent.
Seahawks: Listen here fishbird. Don’t you ever, ever, ever fumble on a gamecovering drive. I don’t care if you lose every game you play. DON’T FUMBLE ON A GAME COVERING DRIVE.
Bungles: Just let up 51 points to the Brownies. I would put the entire team on suicide watch.
Skins’: Fuck it. they’re 2-0.
Cardinals: Very potent offense. Coach Wisenhunt will control the time of the game and limit opposing teams offensive possessions by a commitment to the run game. This is a good thing.

NFL: Patriots Cheating Video

2007-09-18T22:27:00.001-05:00

Week 3 Game Lines

2007-09-18T17:23:00.000-05:00

GAME LINES

Gut Paks +.8 @ America's Team -.8
Houston Luv Ya Blue +13.6 @ Birmingham Bangers -13.6
i draft dead people -0 @ Dallas Dominance +0
Slutty Merkins -10.5 @ Steely McBeam +10.5
Vick+Dogs= Incarceration +11.7 @ Capitol Punishment -11.7
Fist Pumpers +.9 @ Dictator Thorne -.9
Thurman's Thieves +9.8 @ Team Chump -9.8

As Goes The Eagles So Goes Steely McBeam

2007-09-18T14:02:00.000-05:00

Even though J-Nice's squad is absent an actual player from the current ealges roster, it seems as though the fateful 1943 union that birthed the Steagles has been forever burned into the genetic makeup of persons from the Steel city and the Cheesesteak city. This is evident not only in actual NFL play, but in fantasy play as well.

Therefore the maxim: As Goes the Eagles, So Goes Steely McBeam. The Eagles lost to Washington last night in an embarrassing display that ended with Donovan McNott responding to critics by pulling out the race card (classy), likewise J-Nice/Steely McBeam were embarrassed in the fantasy league by America's Team.

Fantasy Dispute Resolution

2007-09-18T07:38:00.000-05:00

This site is not a joke. Apparently, you send the details of a fantasy related dispute to this site and within 2 days an "opinion" is issued. I thinks its crazy. At the same time though, I wish we would have sent my dispute with chubby fingers to them. For $50.00 you can purchase a league constitution. The site has sample opinions that look an awful lot like judicial opinions, especially where the style of the opinion is shown.

http://sportsjudge.com/

Weekly Awards

2007-09-17T23:14:00.001-05:00

This week's award winners are:

"Horse's Ass" (weekly low point) - Capitol Punishment
"Robe and Wizard Hat" (weekly high point) - I Draft Dead People

You can check out the history of each award in the league's trophy case.

As for the Commish's game of the week award, it was a tough decision. I was tempted at first to award it to myself for my stellar defeat of Steely McBeam. However, the game of the week is the match up between Team Chump and Luv Ya Blue.

Congrats all!

Tank Johnson a Cowboy????

2007-09-17T22:54:00.000-05:00

"ITS 11:45. DO YOU KNOW WHERE TANK IS?...we just confirmed that Tank Johnson has a hotel room waiting on him in Dallas. Unless something unforeseen occurs, it looks like he'll sign with the cowboys."

The commish's wife was the first to notice this post from ESPN's Matt Mosley during his in game chat during the Beagles game.

Banish Bond's homerun ball. (or not).

2007-09-17T15:10:00.001-05:00

http://www.vote756.com/marcecko/

2007-09-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight's Monday Night Football match up between the Beagles and the Redskins has a number of fairly interesting story lines. The obvious one of course is the fact that this is the home opener for the Philadelphia Beagles and against a division rival. However, there is a more subtle storyline that you all may not be aware of...this game is the final quarter of a fantasy showdown between America's Team (owned by me of course) and Steely McBeam (owned by J-Nice). The current score stands at America's Team - 113, Steely McBeam 112. My team will be led tonight by Clinton Portis and London Fletcher while Steely McBeam will be looking for a big game from Santana Moss. At the end of the game I may have to accuse J-Nice of stealing my defensive signals and refer the matter to the commissioner which just so happens is myself. He can expect at least a $500,000 fine if the allegations prove to my satisfaction to be true. Of course this penalty will be nothing compared to the penalty I will impose on Score a Homerun should I find that his "problem" is as bad as I suspect it is.

Do YOU have a problem?

2007-09-16T16:18:00.000-05:00

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

I don't understand why these questions are in past tense.

Week 2 Picks

2007-09-16T10:08:00.000-05:00

1.) Jags -10 vs. Falcons
2.) Steelers -10 vs. Bills
3.) Bengals -7 @ Browns ****J-Nice 4 star lock of the week****
4.) Packers +1.5 @ Giants
5.) Colts -7 @ Titans
6.) Texans +6.5 @ Panthers
7.) Saints -3 @ Bucs
8.) Rams -3 vs. 49ers
9.) Cowboys -3.5 @ Dolphins
10.) Lions -3 vs. Vikings
11.) Chiefs +12 @ Bears (to cover)
12.) Jets +10 @ Ravens (to cover)
13.) Seahawks -2.5 @ Cards
14.) Raiders +9.5 @ Broncos
15.) Eagles -7 vs. Redskins
16.) Patriots -3 vs. Chargers

Current Record = 7-6-2 (Win-Loss-Push)

Best Football Commercial Ever?

2007-09-13T20:54:00.001-05:00

Great cinematography, soundtrack, and final scene (you can see Steely McBeam in the background).

America's Team = World's Most Valuable Franchise

2007-09-13T19:17:00.000-05:00

Just read an interesting article on ESPN.com that confirms the reality that the Cowboys are the best sports franchise in the world!!

Week 2 Picks (Week 1 Results)

2007-09-13T11:56:00.000-05:00

To tell you guys the truth, I got hammered in week 1 only getting 5 picks correct (Vikings -3; Chargers -6; Seahawks -6; Cowboys -6; and Steelers -4.5), 1 push (49rs -3), and 9 incorrect. being 5-9-1 on the season will not deter me from diving back into week two.

Week 2 (home teams capitalized):
Buffalo (+9.5) over STEELERS
Cincinnati (-7) over CLEVELAND
Houston (+6.5) over CAROLINA
ST. LOUIS (-3) over San Francisco
GIANTS (-1) over Green Bay
Atlanta (+10.5) over JACKSONVILLE
New Orleans (-4) over TAMPA BAY
DETROIT (-3) over Minnesota
Dallas (-4) over MIAMI
Seahawks (-3) over ARIZONA
Jets (+10) over RAVENS
DENVER (-10) over Oakland
CHICAGO (-12.5) over Kansas City
San Diego (-4) over NEW ENGLAND

*Jay nice 4 star pick of the century: Colts (-7) over Tennessee-lock it in, take it to the bank.

KNOWYOURDALLASCOWBOYS.com

2007-09-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

For those of you that are not regular readers of Thurman's Thieves' Dallas Cowboys blog, he had a nice post about his first week in the league. Those that don't follow all the matchups should know that Thurman's Thieves held off Slutty Merkins 82.6 to 82.4. That is a difference of two rushing or receiving yards. For that excitement I am naming that week 1 matchup the Sports, Booze, and Law game of the week. Congrats kickholder...check out HBO's Inside the NFL and they should have a featured segment on it.

Week 2 Lines

2007-09-13T10:24:00.000-05:00

The week 2 fantasy lines are up:

1.) America's Team -36 at Steely McBeam
2.) Birmingham Bangers -28.9 at Vick+Dogs=Incarceration
3.) Dallas Dominance +40.1 at Fist Pumpers
4.) Capitol Punishment -6.8 at Slutty Merkins
5.) Gut Paks -17.6 at Dictator Thorne
6.) Houston Luv Ya Blue -8.7 at Team Chump
7.) I Draft Dead People -16.8 at Thurman's Thieves

Storm Cloud's Week One Losers

2007-09-12T18:25:00.000-05:00

I'm a hater, as JNice likes to say. In honor of that, I'm going to have a weekly post about who blew ass this week, to further piss off whoever was expecting them to put up like their contracts say they should.

This Week's Awards:

Offensive Pudknocker of the Week goes to.......Steven Jackson

With 2.1 fantasy points, and 2.0 fumbles, he was definitely a disappointment for America's Team. I find this particularly satisfying since I got to see the Commish pissed all day Sunday.

Defensive Pudknocker of the week goes to....DeMarcus Ware (as much as it pains me to say that)

I love the guy, but with only 2 fantasy points, 2 tackles, no sacks, he was the disappointment of the week defensively. (This pic is me trying to indoctrinate my nephew into the greatness of God's Team).

And the last award, the "Iggles Suck Balls" goes to....Greg Lewis and J.R. Reed

Both Greggie and JR fumbled punts, (JR isn't even cool enough to get a picture on NFL.com) JR was also released this week, which actually lowered the talent level on the Iggles.

Those are my cool guy picks of the week. Nominations are accepted anytime, and will not be listened to at all because you are not as smart as me.

-SC