GUARANTEED

I guarantee an ass-beating of Vick’s puppies. I will punish him. Vick will lose. I will win. Unlike the recent guarantee of Joey Porter and Isaac Bruce, this is not an empty guarantee. Instead, this guarantee has force. This guarantee is backed by the power and muscle of Steely McBeam. That is the kind of guarantee that comes through. So I suggest this to prevent Vick any embarrassment: run away. Far away. Go cry to your mother and tell her you were beaten up by a big scary bully. And when you’re crying think of the pain and shame that you have forgone and maybe that will bring you some happiness, because other than that you will have no pleasure this weekend.