Won't Break 50

Oh, how the mediocare have fallen.

After a strong first two weeks yours truly looks to be a repeat winner of the Horse's Ass, as of now I am relying on the Monday night performance of Eli and a kicker to help me break 50 points for the week.

In week 4 Score A Homerun had:
2 of the top 5 tacklers - Barret Rudd and Donte Whitner
#2 guy for interceptions- Kirk Morrison
Reigning Defensive Player of the Year- Jason Taylor
#1 RB in rushing yards- Willie Parker
Overall badass when he has the ball- Steve Smith

This week they totalled: 28.3 points*

I can't blame it on the fact that Hines Ward and Brandon Jacobs are out of the lineup- my fans just won't accept that. No, I must, as the coach take full responsibility, and I must, as GM and owner, fire myself as coach, and hold a fire sell of all my talent. That's right, no one is exempt from getting traded.

*Pending final league calculations.

Week 4 NFL Picks!

1.) Raiders +4 @ Dolphins
2.) Texans -2.5 @ Falcons
3.) Browns + 4.5 vs Ravens
4.) Lions + 3 vs Bears
5.) Packers -2 @ Vikings
6.) Cowboys -13 vs Rams
7.) Jets -3.5 @ Buffalo
8.) Bucs +3 @ Panthers
9.) Seahawks -2 @ 49ers
10.) Steelers -6 @ Cardinals ****J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the Week****
11.) Chiefs +12 @ San Diego
12.) Colts -9.5 vs. Broncos - I love the over in this game at 46.
13.) Patriots -7.5 @ Bengals
14.) Giants +3 vs. Eagles

Week 4 Game Lines!

GAME LINES

America's Team 113.4 +12 @ Birmingham Bangers 125.4 -12
Dallas Dominance 158.5 -30.3 @ Slutty Merkins 128.2 +30.3
Gut Paks 136.8 -8.6 @ Vick+Dogs= Incarceration 128.2 +8.6
Team Chump 115 +16.5 @ i draft dead people 131.5 -16.5
Houston Luv Ya Blue 120.7 +22.4 @ Fist Pumpers 143.1 -22.4
Capitol Punishment 165 -38.5 @ Steely McBeam 126.4 +38.5
Dictator Thorne 159.6 -50.5 @ Thurman's Thieves 109.1 +50.5

The OJ Confession!!

Forecast - Cloudy with a 100% Chance of T-Storms

Following my dismantling of Storm Cloud 124.4 to 116.7 this week's forecast has changed to Cloudy With 100% chance of thunderstorms. In other news J-Nice is fucking crazy!

WEEK 3 NFL PICKS

1.) Panthers -4 @ Falcons
2.) Cardinals +7.5 @ Ravens
3.) Chargers -5.5 @ Packers
4.) Colts -6 @ Texans ****J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the Week****
5.) Chiefs -2.5 vs. Vikings
6.) Patriots -16.5 vs. Bills
7.) Jets -3 vs. Dolphins
8.) Lions +6 @ Eagles
9.) Steelers -9 vs. 49ers
10.) Rams +3.5 @ Bucs
11.) Broncos -3 vs. Jags
12.) Raiders -3 vs. Browns
13.) Bengals +3.5 @ Seahawks
14.) Redskins -3.5 vs. Giants
15.) Cowboys +3 @ Bears
16.) Saints -4 vs. Titans

Last week - 8-7-1
Season - 15-13-3

Fire Fran? No way.

I have been disturbed lately by numerous websites advocating for the firing of Fran. See www.frandunderfire.com and www.firefranpetition.com. Firing Fran would be a grave mistake, consider this:

1.) It is not in the best interest of those kids- they have been through a lot and firing Fran would bring instability into the relationship.

2.) America would be deprived of an excellent role model.

3.) The fans- the fans love Fran, everyone wishes they could live in Fran's house.

4.) We would be setting the bar for Fran's replacement unrealistically high- if we fire someone as good at their job as Fran, there is no way a replacement will ever meet and then exceed our expectations.

Please feel free to add your own reasons for keeping Fran. Once we get like 7 reasons we will email them to the fire fran websites so they can take their sites down.

Now this is how you celebrate a win!!!

Absolutely hilarious...check this article out!!!

Power Rankings

Patriots: Fuck this kills me.
Colts: See above
Chargers I don’t care that they lost last week. If Felipe Rivers can pull his shit together teams won’t be able to key off on LT.
Cowboys: Dear Cowboys fans. Your secondary is trash and you know it. Roy Williams couldn’t cover a nude whore in church. That said, I don’t ever want to mess with Senor Romo and Co.
Ravens: Okay, this team was 14-2 last year. Noone wants to touch Rayray down the heart of that D. Improved running game. Money tight-end. QB and a wack job of a coach are the problems here.
Stillers: Sleeper of the year. Seriously, what have they lost since their superbowl winning team? Answer: Old Jerome Bettis, Overrated Joey Porter. By the way being a “vocal leader” is the most overrated quality in the history of team sports.
Texans: Solid QB. Andre Johnson is dynamite. That D is young and getting better. It seems like they are building a team the right way.
Lions: Jon “pro bowl bound” Kitna. Enough said.
Niners: Young group of stud position players playing in a weak division.
Broncos: I dunno Cutler isn’t too special yet. Still not sold on Travis Henry. Coach Shanahan is a freakin wack job. Whatever, their undefeated.
Packers: Despite any rational thought, Favre is still good. Not only that but this team is surprisingly young. They are, however, lacking in talent.
Seahawks: Listen here fishbird. Don’t you ever, ever, ever fumble on a gamecovering drive. I don’t care if you lose every game you play. DON’T FUMBLE ON A GAME COVERING DRIVE.
Bungles: Just let up 51 points to the Brownies. I would put the entire team on suicide watch.
Skins’: Fuck it. they’re 2-0.
Cardinals: Very potent offense. Coach Wisenhunt will control the time of the game and limit opposing teams offensive possessions by a commitment to the run game. This is a good thing.

NFL: Patriots Cheating Video

Week 3 Game Lines

GAME LINES

Gut Paks +.8 @ America's Team -.8
Houston Luv Ya Blue +13.6 @ Birmingham Bangers -13.6
i draft dead people -0 @ Dallas Dominance +0
Slutty Merkins -10.5 @ Steely McBeam +10.5
Vick+Dogs= Incarceration +11.7 @ Capitol Punishment -11.7
Fist Pumpers +.9 @ Dictator Thorne -.9
Thurman's Thieves +9.8 @ Team Chump -9.8

As Goes The Eagles So Goes Steely McBeam

Even though J-Nice's squad is absent an actual player from the current ealges roster, it seems as though the fateful 1943 union that birthed the Steagles has been forever burned into the genetic makeup of persons from the Steel city and the Cheesesteak city. This is evident not only in actual NFL play, but in fantasy play as well.

Therefore the maxim: As Goes the Eagles, So Goes Steely McBeam. The Eagles lost to Washington last night in an embarrassing display that ended with Donovan McNott responding to critics by pulling out the race card (classy), likewise J-Nice/Steely McBeam were embarrassed in the fantasy league by America's Team.

Fantasy Dispute Resolution

This site is not a joke. Apparently, you send the details of a fantasy related dispute to this site and within 2 days an "opinion" is issued. I thinks its crazy. At the same time though, I wish we would have sent my dispute with chubby fingers to them. For $50.00 you can purchase a league constitution. The site has sample opinions that look an awful lot like judicial opinions, especially where the style of the opinion is shown.


http://sportsjudge.com/

Weekly Awards

This week's award winners are:

"Horse's Ass" (weekly low point) - Capitol Punishment
"Robe and Wizard Hat" (weekly high point) - I Draft Dead People

You can check out the history of each award in the league's trophy case.

As for the Commish's game of the week award, it was a tough decision. I was tempted at first to award it to myself for my stellar defeat of Steely McBeam. However, the game of the week is the match up between Team Chump and Luv Ya Blue.

Congrats all!

Tank Johnson a Cowboy????

"ITS 11:45. DO YOU KNOW WHERE TANK IS?...we just confirmed that Tank Johnson has a hotel room waiting on him in Dallas. Unless something unforeseen occurs, it looks like he'll sign with the cowboys."

The commish's wife was the first to notice this post from ESPN's Matt Mosley during his in game chat during the Beagles game.

Banish Bond's homerun ball. (or not).

http://www.vote756.com/marcecko/

Tonight's Monday Night Football match up between the Beagles and the Redskins has a number of fairly interesting story lines. The obvious one of course is the fact that this is the home opener for the Philadelphia Beagles and against a division rival. However, there is a more subtle storyline that you all may not be aware of...this game is the final quarter of a fantasy showdown between America's Team (owned by me of course) and Steely McBeam (owned by J-Nice). The current score stands at America's Team - 113, Steely McBeam 112. My team will be led tonight by Clinton Portis and London Fletcher while Steely McBeam will be looking for a big game from Santana Moss. At the end of the game I may have to accuse J-Nice of stealing my defensive signals and refer the matter to the commissioner which just so happens is myself. He can expect at least a $500,000 fine if the allegations prove to my satisfaction to be true. Of course this penalty will be nothing compared to the penalty I will impose on Score a Homerun should I find that his "problem" is as bad as I suspect it is.

Do YOU have a problem?

Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

I don't understand why these questions are in past tense.

Week 2 Picks

1.) Jags -10 vs. Falcons
2.) Steelers -10 vs. Bills
3.) Bengals -7 @ Browns ****J-Nice 4 star lock of the week****
4.) Packers +1.5 @ Giants
5.) Colts -7 @ Titans
6.) Texans +6.5 @ Panthers
7.) Saints -3 @ Bucs
8.) Rams -3 vs. 49ers
9.) Cowboys -3.5 @ Dolphins
10.) Lions -3 vs. Vikings
11.) Chiefs +12 @ Bears (to cover)
12.) Jets +10 @ Ravens (to cover)
13.) Seahawks -2.5 @ Cards
14.) Raiders +9.5 @ Broncos
15.) Eagles -7 vs. Redskins
16.) Patriots -3 vs. Chargers

Current Record = 7-6-2 (Win-Loss-Push)

Best Football Commercial Ever?

Great cinematography, soundtrack, and final scene (you can see Steely McBeam in the background).

America's Team = World's Most Valuable Franchise

Just read an interesting article on ESPN.com that confirms the reality that the Cowboys are the best sports franchise in the world!!

Week 2 Picks (Week 1 Results)

To tell you guys the truth, I got hammered in week 1 only getting 5 picks correct (Vikings -3; Chargers -6; Seahawks -6; Cowboys -6; and Steelers -4.5), 1 push (49rs -3), and 9 incorrect. being 5-9-1 on the season will not deter me from diving back into week two.

Week 2 (home teams capitalized):
Buffalo (+9.5) over STEELERS
Cincinnati (-7) over CLEVELAND
Houston (+6.5) over CAROLINA
ST. LOUIS (-3) over San Francisco
GIANTS (-1) over Green Bay
Atlanta (+10.5) over JACKSONVILLE
New Orleans (-4) over TAMPA BAY
DETROIT (-3) over Minnesota
Dallas (-4) over MIAMI
Seahawks (-3) over ARIZONA
Jets (+10) over RAVENS
DENVER (-10) over Oakland
CHICAGO (-12.5) over Kansas City
San Diego (-4) over NEW ENGLAND

*Jay nice 4 star pick of the century: Colts (-7) over Tennessee-lock it in, take it to the bank.

KNOWYOURDALLASCOWBOYS.com

For those of you that are not regular readers of Thurman's Thieves' Dallas Cowboys blog, he had a nice post about his first week in the league. Those that don't follow all the matchups should know that Thurman's Thieves held off Slutty Merkins 82.6 to 82.4. That is a difference of two rushing or receiving yards. For that excitement I am naming that week 1 matchup the Sports, Booze, and Law game of the week. Congrats kickholder...check out HBO's Inside the NFL and they should have a featured segment on it.

Week 2 Lines

The week 2 fantasy lines are up:

1.) America's Team -36 at Steely McBeam
2.) Birmingham Bangers -28.9 at Vick+Dogs=Incarceration
3.) Dallas Dominance +40.1 at Fist Pumpers
4.) Capitol Punishment -6.8 at Slutty Merkins
5.) Gut Paks -17.6 at Dictator Thorne
6.) Houston Luv Ya Blue -8.7 at Team Chump
7.) I Draft Dead People -16.8 at Thurman's Thieves

Storm Cloud's Week One Losers

I'm a hater, as JNice likes to say. In honor of that, I'm going to have a weekly post about who blew ass this week, to further piss off whoever was expecting them to put up like their contracts say they should.

This Week's Awards:

Offensive Pudknocker of the Week goes to.......Steven Jackson




With 2.1 fantasy points, and 2.0 fumbles, he was definitely a disappointment for America's Team. I find this particularly satisfying since I got to see the Commish pissed all day Sunday.

Defensive Pudknocker of the week goes to....DeMarcus Ware (as much as it pains me to say that)

I love the guy, but with only 2 fantasy points, 2 tackles, no sacks, he was the disappointment of the week defensively. (This pic is me trying to indoctrinate my nephew into the greatness of God's Team).

And the last award, the "Iggles Suck Balls" goes to....Greg Lewis and J.R. Reed

Both Greggie and JR fumbled punts, (JR isn't even cool enough to get a picture on NFL.com) JR was also released this week, which actually lowered the talent level on the Iggles.

Those are my cool guy picks of the week. Nominations are accepted anytime, and will not be listened to at all because you are not as smart as me.

-SC

Joe Namath Drunk

Great article from Kissing Suzy Kolber so I thought I would post the interview that was the genesis for that great sports blog.

Must Read

Hey everyone...just read a hilarious article on kissing suzy kolber about the whole patriots spying scandal...here is the link

I Hate Fantasy Football!

What Cap. Punishment...your kicker didn't score a TD? Your team sucks. No worries J-Nice...everyone on your roster will score a TD next week. J-Nice 4 Star Pick of the week...lock it up!

Week 1 Predictions

I know it is a little late considering the season started yesterday, but here are my Week 1 predictions.


Broncos(-3); Chiefs(+3); Dolphins(+3); Eagles(-3); Jaguars(-6.5); Jets(+6.5); Vikings(-3); Rams(-1); Chargers(-6); Raiders(-2); Seahawks(-6); Cowboys(-6); Ravens(+2.5); 49rs(-3).


I am starting a new pick of the week category that I consider to be a complete lock, we will call it the "J-Nice 4 Star Lock of the Century." - Steelers(-4.5)

BSU Oklahoma Fiesta Bowl Highlights

Steely McBeam?????

Hines Ward after a lonnnnngggg night with the Steelers new mascot.

Dear Peyton, You're gay.

Am I the only one that has a deep burning hate of Peyton Manning? Don’t get me wrong it must be tough growing up with a brother with down syndrome. But that’s no excuse to invade my home every commercial break. I hate that long dopey southern boy look. He’s not funny. He is a douche. There is no need to fake a seizure every time you call a damn audible. I have seen quarterbacks call audiles, and they don’t swallow their tongue and waive their arms around life a fucking retard. It’s just unnecessary. I’m also not a fan of how every person every to step into a booth jerks Peyton off every time he completes a pass. Jerking off douchey quarterbacks is not cool. In fact, I hate the entire Manning family, especially the retarded one(but not b/c he’s retarded). Archie manning sucked on sucky team. I even hate their gay first names. And those names are very gay. Feel free to add your own reasons why you hate Peyton or any other douche.

Week 1 Fantasy Football Lines

The week one fantasy football lines are up.

1.) Capitol Punishment +.3 @ America's Team -.3
2.) Gut Paks +.3 @ Steely McBeam -.3
3.) Dictator Thorne +6 @ Birmingham Bangers -6
4.) Houston Luv Ya Blue +1.1 @ Vick+Dogs=Indictment -1.1
5.) Team Chump -2.9 @ Dallas Dominance +2.9
6.) I draft dead people +17.3 @ Fist Pumpers -17.3
7.) Thurman's Thieves -19.1 @ Slutty Merkins +19.1

Matchup of the week....a tie between Gut Paks @ Steely McBeam & Capitol Punishment @ America's Team. Gut Paks @ Steely McBeam for obvious shit talking reasons. Capitol Punishment @ America's Team is the fantasy football equivalent of the Bowden Bowl. I am going to make Capitol Punishment scream "your my daddy" so the analogy works. Good luck all!

Terry Tate Office Linebacker - Sensitivity Training

Perhaps a mechanic was an idea they couldve pursued...

"Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god
Wed Sep 5, 2007 2:22AM EDT
KATHMANDU (Reuters) - Officials at Nepal's state-run airline have sacrificed two goats to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god, following technical problems with one of its Boeing 757 aircraft, the carrier said Tuesday.
Nepal Airlines, which has two Boeing aircraft, has had to suspend some services in recent weeks due the problem.
The goats were sacrificed in front of the troublesome aircraft Sunday at Nepal's only international airport in Kathmandu in accordance with Hindu traditions, an official said.
"The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," said Raju K.C., a senior airline official, without explaining what the problem had been.
Local media last week blamed the company's woes on an electrical fault. The carrier runs international flights to five cities in Asia.
It is common in Nepal to sacrifice animals like goats and buffaloes to appease different Hindu deities."

Open Letter from T.O.

T.O. wrote an open letter to ALL ESPN FANTASY TEAM OWNERS. I felt obliged to pass the letter along. Let the games begin!!!!!

To All ESPN Fantasy Team Owners,

2007 is going to be a great year … for me and the Dallas Cowboys.

I came into training camp in excellent shape, feeling good about our prospects for the season and proud to be part of the great Dallas Cowboys tradition.

I want to help your fantasy team win its league title … and that means generating huge statistics. This year our offense is set up to make big plays. We worked hard during the preseason and we're going to connect on a lot of touchdowns. Coach and I are on the same page. He understands my role and how I can help us win.

So here is my pledge to all ESPN fantasy owners who draft me in 2007:

I will catch the ball.

I will score touchdowns.

I will have a great season.

Did you see the preseason game against Houston? One touch, one touchdown. That's how it's going to be all year long. I'm aiming for 100 catches, 1,500 yards and at least 20 touchdowns. With our quarterback passing the ball, this is entirely possible.

And speaking of my QB … you might as well draft him too, because he's going to the Pro Bowl this year.

Put me on your team and you won't be disappointed. I am going to help you win your fantasy league this season.

Sincerely,

Terrell Owens, No. 81